Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the idea of "beauty". Maybe these thoughts emerged after writing a post for an internship on model Cameron Russell, who is an advocate for self-love (but, like, she's a model... so I'm still struggling with her messages). Or, from researching fashion and age for my thesis and looking at lots of fabulous, old ladies on Ari Seth Cohen's street style blog "Advanced Style".
Or maybe, just maybe, I've been more aware of myself recently.
I like to think that over the years, I've become more comfortable with myself, both physically and mentally. I take what appears in the fashion media and Hollywood with a grain of salt and, at least try, to march to the beat of my own drum. I know I will never be conventionally "beautiful", but what does that even mean? I'm flawed, in terms of "conventional beauty". I have bad skin, a weird eye, I'm short, curvy and sport a pixie cut (since June... one of my friends worries that men will be turned off by this and/or wedding hairstyles won't apply to me unless I grow it back out). However, I've figured out how to work with what I have. I have bad days, like anyone else, but I've accepted that I am, despite my flaws, fairly attractive.
But, living in New York City, I always feel on display, judged and, most importantly, questioning my appeal compared to the hundreds of other women I come across each day. Especially being in an industry so taken with outer appearance, presenting myself properly, attempting to be, not even "beautiful", but mildly attractive to someone who might not necessarily know my awesome personality... It's fucking exhausting.
And now, well, ever since the spring, another factor is added into my struggle - dating. I put myself on display with an online dating profile. If we're being honest here, online dating is non-balance of 85% picture motivation and 15% personality/written motivation. The saying "don't judge a book by its cover" never signed up for OkCupid. Of course, I posted my most attractive pictures. While, most of the feedback from these men (or creeps) was positive about my appearance, I still worried that they would be disappointed with what they saw in reality. I always felt, and feel, that no amount of makeup or looking away will hide my flaws. I'm not perfect, I know that, but how will these imperfections be interpreted by a strange male?
I mostly worry because I don't know what their "standards" of "beauty" are, same goes for my professional and social life. What are they expecting and what do I give them... on the outside? Am I that jaded or insecure that I feel like everyone has these unrealistic expectations? Is beauty something we openly discuss with others or is hidden in conversations with words like cute, hot or pretty? How am I supposed to call myself or others beautiful when I don't even understand what it means?
These questions roll around my mind constantly, translated into situations and insecurities.
I don't know how to process this word and I don't think I ever will. But at what point will I accept myself completely and deem myself "beautiful", both inside and, most importantly, outside?
