A Letter

Dear Self,

What are you doing?

You need to take a deep breath, step back and give yourself a long, hard look in the mirror.

Sure, it seems that your heart has been used as a punching bag by seemingly emotionally unavailable man-boys, but don't sit there and take it.  Wallowing over things that would never have been with a bottle of whiskey won't solve anything.  Passive aggressively emoting through self-depricating humour won't solve anything either.

You want your heart to harden like you always say?  Don't give any fucks.  Don't let anyone make you feel less than stellar.  Don't let anyone make you question your sense of worth.

Yes, this year has actually been awful and rock-bottom hurts like a bitch.  But isn't that incentive enough to make the most of your next year?  Forget those eyes that refused to return "I love you" and forget those words that cut like a knife.  Erase the broken promises, the drunken confessions and the failed "what ifs".  You are able to start fresh.

Stop focusing on what's temporary and begin to embrace what's permanent.  You are what's permanent, even if you don't see it right now.  Your family and your friends who have loved and supported you through the worst of times are permanent.  Everything else is just white noise, a distraction from what really matters.  And girl, you've been letting it distract you for way too long.

It's time to let go and turn to a new page.  In fact, go buy a new fucking notebook.  Your old one is only stained with ink, negativity and bad feelings.  It's good to reflect occasionally, but don't get dragged down that rabbit hole of misery.

It's a new year and a new adventure.  You can breathe now.  You can feel again.

You are free.

Sincerely,
The part of you that is still, surprisingly, optimistic

Why I can't function properly anymore... (or, Life would be easier if I didn't have feelings)

I am in limbo, at a crossroads, whatever...

And I don't like it.

I'll be wrapping up my MA shortly and, as I'm sure anyone who knows me has realized, I have no fucking clue what's coming next.

I have ideas, swimming around my brain, and the freedom to do as I please, but I still can't fight the feeling that I am, possibly, fucked (and not in a good way).  This sounds melodramatic and I know I have the support of family and friends... I just can't seem to accept it.  Even if I have a safe place at home with my parents while I sort things out, there are too many "X" factors, too many unknowns, to breathe easier.  I like knowing things, I like having a game plan.  I mean, isn't this what threw me off the first time?

The thing is, everyone assures me that it will all work out and that's nice, because what else are you supposed to say to someone who is on the verge of a panic attack?  But, what if it doesn't?  Suppose I'm not actually as qualified as I think I am?  Suppose I didn't branch out enough when I should have?  Suppose I'm just not that good enough and, along with everyone else, I have been kidding myself into thinking otherwise?

Unfortunately, I wear my emotions on my sleeve and I've become way too introspective for my own good.  So, I spend my days with a clenched fist, worried eyes and a brain racing with "what ifs" and self-doubt.  I want to turn it off so badly and focus on my immediate tasks and interactions, but I can't.  The future is looming and no amount of therapy or alcohol can keep it at bay.

I have a thesis to finish, looming future... come back in two weeks!

I also hate repressing my feelings.  When you're potentially leaving in less than a month, feelings are the last thing you need.  You don't want to be selfish and give expectation to something that has a definite expiry date, but you also end up driving yourself crazy by keeping everything bottled up.  It just sucks because I like feelings, especially good ones.

So, here I am.  Sitting in my tin can of a room, listening to "calming" (i.e. sad) music and silently freaking out.  I want to shut my brain off for a bit and focus on my important tasks, I want someone to respond to my cries for employment and I want to know what is happening a month from now, but no one said life was fair.  I'm looking for an "easy" button to push when I should be building it, and I'll be lucky if someone gives me the right wires or an instruction manual.

I guess the only thing I can do right now is take a deep breath and keep going, right?