Anyone who has ever read my various posts has realized, at least by now, that I enjoy finding men in the laziest way possible (and the only way that doesn't require putting on pants and/or showering).
Online dating is good, because you get a brief (occasionally made-up) idea of what you're dealing with but, unless you are willing to shell out some money that is better spent on pad thai per month, your stalking habits are pretty visible to the stalkee in question.
Enter Tinder. A perfect time-waster when you run out of lives during a game of Candy Crush.
Tinder is a phone app in which you can pick and choose who you find "attractive" and maybe, just maybe, form some sort of human connection. By swiping left on your potential interest's picture, you are most definitely not down. By swiping right, you open yourself up to romance and vulnerability. By "liking" someone, there is the possibility that they could "like" you too and you can actually message them. The anonymity of Tinder is great because hearts won't be broken if the feeling ain't mutual. But Tinder is the epitome of "judging a book by its cover". Forget learning about someone's interests via a mini-novel... Personality be damned, give me your handsome face and tailored suit!
Yeah, I went there. I don't take this seriously, so why should I pretend to be a non-judgmental saint? Below are the criteria as to how I choose my gentleman, from one shallow ginger to the rest of the shallow world...
I will like you if...
- The first question I ask myself is, "Do I want to punch you in the face?" (Meaning - does your smirk rub me the wrong way? why are you leaning against that car? why can't you take a better selfie? why are you making out with that girl who looks like your sister? etc...) If the answer is "no", then...
- Do you look like you can buy me a steak dinner? If the answer is "yes", then...
- Do we have friends in common? If the answer is "yes" and said friend isn't a complete jerk face, then sure, I'll bite... because the company people keep says a lot about a person (sometimes).
- Do you resemble some sort of celebrity I would like to bang? Well, duh, if "yes", then...
- Do I like the look of your face? If "yes"...
Congratulations! I will be damn sure to swipe right for you (or at least intend to until my finger gets confused and swipes in the wrong direction... the sentiments were there!). However, if we do match and you start sending me dirty messages, I will have to block you. I like to keep it classy sometimes.
I don't always follow these rules. Especially if there is man cross-over from my online dating site of choice and this wonderful little app. But, Tinder allows us to be the assholes we always wanted to be.
True love isn't blind, guys, it's staring right back at us, shirtless and grinning, waiting to swiped right... into your heart.
"stalking habits are pretty visible to the stalkee..." Aren't they ever.
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