This song has been rattling around in my brain for the past couple of weeks... It never ceases to make me smile, as I feel we can all relate to it in one way or another...
The rest of the band's stuff is absolutely gorgeous. I highly recommend checking it out.
God Help The Girl by God Help The Girl (Stuart Murdoch's, of Belle & Sebastian, side project)
"There is no way I'm looking for a boyfriend
There is no way I'm looking for a scene
I need to save some dough
I'm a working girl, you know
I'll fend attention off I keep to myself
I love my room, I'm getting used to sleeping
Some nights I really like to lie awake
I hear the midnight birds
The message in their words
The dawn will touch me in a way a boy could never touch
Their promise never meant so much to me
You have been warned, I'm warned to be contrary
Backward at school, I wrote from right to left
Teacher never cared for me
Preacher said a prayer for me
God help the girl, she needs all the help she can get
I sit for hours just waiting for his phone call
I'll leave the chocolate hidden in the fridge
I'll play his messages
Analyze his intonation
Please stop me there, I'm even boring myself
I think of him when I'm doing the dishes
I think of him while looking in the sink
This ain't no play on words
My love for him is absurd
If he gave me a sign I'd think about it for a week
I'd build it up and then I'd turn him down
You have been warned, I'm warned to be contrary
Backward at school, I wrote from right to left
Teacher never cared for me
Preacher said a prayer for me
God help the girl, she needs all the help she can get"
Here's a link to the song itself:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lAZOmYUh6wY
Enjoy and Happy Sunday!
Showing posts with label frustration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label frustration. Show all posts
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Got 99 resolutions, but I won't fulfill one...
Hello 2014. I know you expect me to lose weight, find inner peace and shop less, but, like, shut the fuck up.
I've realized that making a resolution, or five, is almost as silly as joining the gym in January. I can barely keep personal life goals in the middle of the year... how am I supposed to keep them at the beginning?
I know. I need to turn a new leaf and better myself. And I want to. So bad. I just think setting yourself up for disappointment for 12 months straight won't do any wonders to your sanity. And as someone with limited sanity to begin with, I would prefer to preserve it as long as I can.
Ugh, I know. I'm the worst. I'm sure that anyone who is reading this is thinking of me as a fat slob with commitment issues (half true) but I know(ish) how I function now and I know that I don't do well when I bite off more than I can chew. If anything, 2013 was a long, dreary lesson in realizing that. I hate making promises I can't keep, even to myself. I like simple, achievable goals. So, this will not be the year of the Resolution, but the year of the Occasional Goal.
Here is a list of Occasional Goals I will try, but not pressure myself, to achieve:
- Finish thesis - This needs to be done. It's not so much a goal as a necessity.
- Make resumé beautiful so employers will love me - This also needs to be done. Or else I will be sad and broke. Employers do not take baked goods as bribes.
- Find job with beautiful resumé - See above.
- Stop buying shoes (and other things)- I have no space for anything right now. Space is a surprisingly good way to limit purchases of all kinds.
- Do groceries more often - GrubHub is getting to know me too well. It has an intimate relationship with my debit card that needs to be stopped.
- Occasionally go to the gym - Self-explanatory. Once a month is good enough for me.
These are a few Goals I can think of right now. More will be added, or some will be taken away. Long-term though, I want to be happier and less crazy. But this involves a whole lot of self-improvement that comes from the baby-steps above. I might make a timeline for myself, I might not, but, ultimately, I don't want to pressure myself. Nothing good comes from pressure except stress and mass food consumption.
So, here I am. Looking 2014 square in the eye. I don't know what this year will bring and, quite frankly, I don't care. As long as I can look back and say to myself, "Good job. You did things."
I don't want to reflect on the next year with what I didn't do because, honestly, I'm so over feeling like a fat slob with commitment issues.
I've realized that making a resolution, or five, is almost as silly as joining the gym in January. I can barely keep personal life goals in the middle of the year... how am I supposed to keep them at the beginning?
I know. I need to turn a new leaf and better myself. And I want to. So bad. I just think setting yourself up for disappointment for 12 months straight won't do any wonders to your sanity. And as someone with limited sanity to begin with, I would prefer to preserve it as long as I can.
Ugh, I know. I'm the worst. I'm sure that anyone who is reading this is thinking of me as a fat slob with commitment issues (half true) but I know(ish) how I function now and I know that I don't do well when I bite off more than I can chew. If anything, 2013 was a long, dreary lesson in realizing that. I hate making promises I can't keep, even to myself. I like simple, achievable goals. So, this will not be the year of the Resolution, but the year of the Occasional Goal.
Here is a list of Occasional Goals I will try, but not pressure myself, to achieve:
- Finish thesis - This needs to be done. It's not so much a goal as a necessity.
- Make resumé beautiful so employers will love me - This also needs to be done. Or else I will be sad and broke. Employers do not take baked goods as bribes.
- Find job with beautiful resumé - See above.
- Stop buying shoes (and other things)- I have no space for anything right now. Space is a surprisingly good way to limit purchases of all kinds.
- Do groceries more often - GrubHub is getting to know me too well. It has an intimate relationship with my debit card that needs to be stopped.
- Occasionally go to the gym - Self-explanatory. Once a month is good enough for me.
These are a few Goals I can think of right now. More will be added, or some will be taken away. Long-term though, I want to be happier and less crazy. But this involves a whole lot of self-improvement that comes from the baby-steps above. I might make a timeline for myself, I might not, but, ultimately, I don't want to pressure myself. Nothing good comes from pressure except stress and mass food consumption.
So, here I am. Looking 2014 square in the eye. I don't know what this year will bring and, quite frankly, I don't care. As long as I can look back and say to myself, "Good job. You did things."
I don't want to reflect on the next year with what I didn't do because, honestly, I'm so over feeling like a fat slob with commitment issues.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Why I can't function properly anymore... (or, Life would be easier if I didn't have feelings)
I am in limbo, at a crossroads, whatever...
And I don't like it.
I'll be wrapping up my MA shortly and, as I'm sure anyone who knows me has realized, I have no fucking clue what's coming next.
I have ideas, swimming around my brain, and the freedom to do as I please, but I still can't fight the feeling that I am, possibly, fucked (and not in a good way). This sounds melodramatic and I know I have the support of family and friends... I just can't seem to accept it. Even if I have a safe place at home with my parents while I sort things out, there are too many "X" factors, too many unknowns, to breathe easier. I like knowing things, I like having a game plan. I mean, isn't this what threw me off the first time?
The thing is, everyone assures me that it will all work out and that's nice, because what else are you supposed to say to someone who is on the verge of a panic attack? But, what if it doesn't? Suppose I'm not actually as qualified as I think I am? Suppose I didn't branch out enough when I should have? Suppose I'm just not that good enough and, along with everyone else, I have been kidding myself into thinking otherwise?
Unfortunately, I wear my emotions on my sleeve and I've become way too introspective for my own good. So, I spend my days with a clenched fist, worried eyes and a brain racing with "what ifs" and self-doubt. I want to turn it off so badly and focus on my immediate tasks and interactions, but I can't. The future is looming and no amount of therapy or alcohol can keep it at bay.
I have a thesis to finish, looming future... come back in two weeks!
I also hate repressing my feelings. When you're potentially leaving in less than a month, feelings are the last thing you need. You don't want to be selfish and give expectation to something that has a definite expiry date, but you also end up driving yourself crazy by keeping everything bottled up. It just sucks because I like feelings, especially good ones.
So, here I am. Sitting in my tin can of a room, listening to "calming" (i.e. sad) music and silently freaking out. I want to shut my brain off for a bit and focus on my important tasks, I want someone to respond to my cries for employment and I want to know what is happening a month from now, but no one said life was fair. I'm looking for an "easy" button to push when I should be building it, and I'll be lucky if someone gives me the right wires or an instruction manual.
I guess the only thing I can do right now is take a deep breath and keep going, right?
And I don't like it.
I'll be wrapping up my MA shortly and, as I'm sure anyone who knows me has realized, I have no fucking clue what's coming next.
I have ideas, swimming around my brain, and the freedom to do as I please, but I still can't fight the feeling that I am, possibly, fucked (and not in a good way). This sounds melodramatic and I know I have the support of family and friends... I just can't seem to accept it. Even if I have a safe place at home with my parents while I sort things out, there are too many "X" factors, too many unknowns, to breathe easier. I like knowing things, I like having a game plan. I mean, isn't this what threw me off the first time?
The thing is, everyone assures me that it will all work out and that's nice, because what else are you supposed to say to someone who is on the verge of a panic attack? But, what if it doesn't? Suppose I'm not actually as qualified as I think I am? Suppose I didn't branch out enough when I should have? Suppose I'm just not that good enough and, along with everyone else, I have been kidding myself into thinking otherwise?
Unfortunately, I wear my emotions on my sleeve and I've become way too introspective for my own good. So, I spend my days with a clenched fist, worried eyes and a brain racing with "what ifs" and self-doubt. I want to turn it off so badly and focus on my immediate tasks and interactions, but I can't. The future is looming and no amount of therapy or alcohol can keep it at bay.
I have a thesis to finish, looming future... come back in two weeks!
I also hate repressing my feelings. When you're potentially leaving in less than a month, feelings are the last thing you need. You don't want to be selfish and give expectation to something that has a definite expiry date, but you also end up driving yourself crazy by keeping everything bottled up. It just sucks because I like feelings, especially good ones.
So, here I am. Sitting in my tin can of a room, listening to "calming" (i.e. sad) music and silently freaking out. I want to shut my brain off for a bit and focus on my important tasks, I want someone to respond to my cries for employment and I want to know what is happening a month from now, but no one said life was fair. I'm looking for an "easy" button to push when I should be building it, and I'll be lucky if someone gives me the right wires or an instruction manual.
I guess the only thing I can do right now is take a deep breath and keep going, right?
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Beauty and the Blockade
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the idea of "beauty". Maybe these thoughts emerged after writing a post for an internship on model Cameron Russell, who is an advocate for self-love (but, like, she's a model... so I'm still struggling with her messages). Or, from researching fashion and age for my thesis and looking at lots of fabulous, old ladies on Ari Seth Cohen's street style blog "Advanced Style".
Or maybe, just maybe, I've been more aware of myself recently.
I like to think that over the years, I've become more comfortable with myself, both physically and mentally. I take what appears in the fashion media and Hollywood with a grain of salt and, at least try, to march to the beat of my own drum. I know I will never be conventionally "beautiful", but what does that even mean? I'm flawed, in terms of "conventional beauty". I have bad skin, a weird eye, I'm short, curvy and sport a pixie cut (since June... one of my friends worries that men will be turned off by this and/or wedding hairstyles won't apply to me unless I grow it back out). However, I've figured out how to work with what I have. I have bad days, like anyone else, but I've accepted that I am, despite my flaws, fairly attractive.
But, living in New York City, I always feel on display, judged and, most importantly, questioning my appeal compared to the hundreds of other women I come across each day. Especially being in an industry so taken with outer appearance, presenting myself properly, attempting to be, not even "beautiful", but mildly attractive to someone who might not necessarily know my awesome personality... It's fucking exhausting.
And now, well, ever since the spring, another factor is added into my struggle - dating. I put myself on display with an online dating profile. If we're being honest here, online dating is non-balance of 85% picture motivation and 15% personality/written motivation. The saying "don't judge a book by its cover" never signed up for OkCupid. Of course, I posted my most attractive pictures. While, most of the feedback from these men (or creeps) was positive about my appearance, I still worried that they would be disappointed with what they saw in reality. I always felt, and feel, that no amount of makeup or looking away will hide my flaws. I'm not perfect, I know that, but how will these imperfections be interpreted by a strange male?
I mostly worry because I don't know what their "standards" of "beauty" are, same goes for my professional and social life. What are they expecting and what do I give them... on the outside? Am I that jaded or insecure that I feel like everyone has these unrealistic expectations? Is beauty something we openly discuss with others or is hidden in conversations with words like cute, hot or pretty? How am I supposed to call myself or others beautiful when I don't even understand what it means? These questions roll around my mind constantly, translated into situations and insecurities.
I don't know how to process this word and I don't think I ever will. But at what point will I accept myself completely and deem myself "beautiful", both inside and, most importantly, outside?
Or maybe, just maybe, I've been more aware of myself recently.
I like to think that over the years, I've become more comfortable with myself, both physically and mentally. I take what appears in the fashion media and Hollywood with a grain of salt and, at least try, to march to the beat of my own drum. I know I will never be conventionally "beautiful", but what does that even mean? I'm flawed, in terms of "conventional beauty". I have bad skin, a weird eye, I'm short, curvy and sport a pixie cut (since June... one of my friends worries that men will be turned off by this and/or wedding hairstyles won't apply to me unless I grow it back out). However, I've figured out how to work with what I have. I have bad days, like anyone else, but I've accepted that I am, despite my flaws, fairly attractive.
But, living in New York City, I always feel on display, judged and, most importantly, questioning my appeal compared to the hundreds of other women I come across each day. Especially being in an industry so taken with outer appearance, presenting myself properly, attempting to be, not even "beautiful", but mildly attractive to someone who might not necessarily know my awesome personality... It's fucking exhausting.
And now, well, ever since the spring, another factor is added into my struggle - dating. I put myself on display with an online dating profile. If we're being honest here, online dating is non-balance of 85% picture motivation and 15% personality/written motivation. The saying "don't judge a book by its cover" never signed up for OkCupid. Of course, I posted my most attractive pictures. While, most of the feedback from these men (or creeps) was positive about my appearance, I still worried that they would be disappointed with what they saw in reality. I always felt, and feel, that no amount of makeup or looking away will hide my flaws. I'm not perfect, I know that, but how will these imperfections be interpreted by a strange male?
I mostly worry because I don't know what their "standards" of "beauty" are, same goes for my professional and social life. What are they expecting and what do I give them... on the outside? Am I that jaded or insecure that I feel like everyone has these unrealistic expectations? Is beauty something we openly discuss with others or is hidden in conversations with words like cute, hot or pretty? How am I supposed to call myself or others beautiful when I don't even understand what it means? These questions roll around my mind constantly, translated into situations and insecurities.
I don't know how to process this word and I don't think I ever will. But at what point will I accept myself completely and deem myself "beautiful", both inside and, most importantly, outside?
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