Got 99 resolutions, but I won't fulfill one...

Hello 2014. I know you expect me to lose weight, find inner peace and shop less, but, like, shut the fuck up.

I've realized that making a resolution, or five, is almost as silly as joining the gym in January. I can barely keep personal life goals in the middle of the year... how am I supposed to keep them at the beginning?

I know. I need to turn a new leaf and better myself. And I want to. So bad. I just think setting yourself up for disappointment for 12 months straight won't do any wonders to your sanity.  And as someone with limited sanity to begin with, I would prefer to preserve it as long as I can.

Ugh, I know. I'm the worst. I'm sure that anyone who is reading this is thinking of me as a fat slob with commitment issues (half true) but I know(ish) how I function now and I know that I don't do well when I bite off more than I can chew.  If anything, 2013 was a long, dreary lesson in realizing that. I hate making promises I can't keep, even to myself. I like simple, achievable goals. So, this will not be the year of the Resolution, but the year of the Occasional Goal.

Here is a list of Occasional Goals I will try, but not pressure myself, to achieve:
- Finish thesis - This needs to be done. It's not so much a goal as a necessity.
- Make resumé beautiful so employers will love me - This also needs to be done. Or else I will be sad and broke.  Employers do not take baked goods as bribes.
- Find job with beautiful resumé - See above.
- Stop buying shoes (and other things)- I have no space for anything right now. Space is a surprisingly good way to limit purchases of all kinds.
- Do groceries more often - GrubHub is getting to know me too well. It has an intimate relationship with my debit card that needs to be stopped.
- Occasionally go to the gym - Self-explanatory. Once a month is good enough for me.

These are a few Goals I can think of right now.  More will be added, or some will be taken away.  Long-term though, I want to be happier and less crazy. But this involves a whole lot of self-improvement that comes from the baby-steps above. I might make a timeline for myself, I might not, but, ultimately, I don't want to pressure myself. Nothing good comes from pressure except stress and mass food consumption.

So, here I am. Looking 2014 square in the eye. I don't know what this year will bring and, quite frankly, I don't care. As long as I can look back and say to myself, "Good job. You did things."

I don't want to reflect on the next year with what I didn't do because, honestly, I'm so over feeling like a fat slob with commitment issues.

A Letter

Dear Self,

What are you doing?

You need to take a deep breath, step back and give yourself a long, hard look in the mirror.

Sure, it seems that your heart has been used as a punching bag by seemingly emotionally unavailable man-boys, but don't sit there and take it.  Wallowing over things that would never have been with a bottle of whiskey won't solve anything.  Passive aggressively emoting through self-depricating humour won't solve anything either.

You want your heart to harden like you always say?  Don't give any fucks.  Don't let anyone make you feel less than stellar.  Don't let anyone make you question your sense of worth.

Yes, this year has actually been awful and rock-bottom hurts like a bitch.  But isn't that incentive enough to make the most of your next year?  Forget those eyes that refused to return "I love you" and forget those words that cut like a knife.  Erase the broken promises, the drunken confessions and the failed "what ifs".  You are able to start fresh.

Stop focusing on what's temporary and begin to embrace what's permanent.  You are what's permanent, even if you don't see it right now.  Your family and your friends who have loved and supported you through the worst of times are permanent.  Everything else is just white noise, a distraction from what really matters.  And girl, you've been letting it distract you for way too long.

It's time to let go and turn to a new page.  In fact, go buy a new fucking notebook.  Your old one is only stained with ink, negativity and bad feelings.  It's good to reflect occasionally, but don't get dragged down that rabbit hole of misery.

It's a new year and a new adventure.  You can breathe now.  You can feel again.

You are free.

Sincerely,
The part of you that is still, surprisingly, optimistic